Lost in Translation Read online

  Copyright Information

  First published in Great Britain in 2006 by

  Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  16 Lion Yard

  Tremadoc Road

  London SW4 7NQ

  This electronic edition published in 2019

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-745-6 in ePub format

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-746-3 in Mobipocket format

  ISBN: 978-1-78929-073-8 in paperback print format

  Copyright © Charlie Croker 2006, 2019

  Illustrations © Louise Morgan 2006, 2019

  for www.artmarketillustration.com

  The right of Charlie Croker to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Designed and typeset by Martin Bristow

  Cover design by Claire Cater

  www.mombooks.com

  Contents

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction

  Plane Speaking

  Room for Improvement

  Driven to Distraction

  A Healthy Respect for Language

  Eating Your Words

  Night-Time is the Right Time

  Tested to Instruction

  Transport Trouble

  Let Me Entertain You

  And That’s Official

  Shop Soiled

  All Part of the Package

  Sign Language

  Romantic Ramblings

  Miscellaneous Musings

  Acknowledgements

  I am very grateful to the Hoffnung Partnership for permission to quote several replies from German hotels, which the late Gerard Hoffnung immortalized in his 1958 speech to the Oxford Union. (This is available as a BBC recording, Hoffnung: A Last Encore.)

  Many thanks to Louise Morgan for her illustrations. In some cases I think they should replace the original signs.

  Thanks are also due to the following for their intrepid efforts in the name of research: Kerry Duckworth, Nigel Farndale, Norman Geras, Markus Grupp, Marie Gumaelius, Rob Heeley, Chris Hope, Alison Lindsay, John Melbourne, Chris Pavlo and Mark Schuck.

  It’s customary for authors to conclude their acknowledgements with the disclaimer that any errors which follow are entirely their fault. Please understand why I’m not doing that here.

  Charlie Croker

  July 2006

  Introduction

  You’re in a far-flung corner of the globe, it’s the early hours of the morning and you’ve just checked into your hotel after an exhausting flight. The prospect of a seven-thirty business breakfast is filling you with dread, and you’ve a nagging feeling you forgot to pack your toothbrush. Very little seems right with the world. But then you notice a sign in the corner of the bathroom: ‘Please to bathe inside the tub.’ Despite your tiredness, you can’t help but smile. Yes – you’re Lost in Translation.

  All over the world, from Beijing to Buenos Aires, in hotels and restaurants and taxis and zoos (yes, zoos), these priceless nuggets of verbal dottiness lie in wait, ready to brighten the lives of the jaded voyagers who chance upon them. They are the reward points on our Travel loyalty card. They are the treats we earn for enduring mislaid luggage, deep-vein thrombosis and stony-faced stewardesses. Never failing to amuse, they put a spring in our step with nothing more complicated than an off-balance vocabulary and some iffy syntax. It’s English, Jim, but not as we know it.

  Sometimes you can tell what was meant: ‘Our wine list leaves you nothing to hope for.’ Sometimes you can’t: ‘Nobody is allowed to sit on the both sides of the boat.’ Sometimes you’re not sure whether you can tell or not: the Indian hotel, for instance, that warns ‘No spiting on the walls.’ Is that ‘spitting’ or ‘writing’? If the former, why only on the walls? A hotel in Beijing tells guests they have ‘No permission to wench.’ Is this a deliberately invented verb, a discreet euphemism for the professional activities of a certain kind of lady? Or do they mean something else? If so, what? ‘Wrench’? But what could you wrench in a hotel room? The mind boggles.

  Other entries belong firmly in the ‘How did that happen?’ file. The fake Liverpool FC shirts in China, for example, which have meticulously copied every last detail, right down to the club crest . . . and then turned ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ into ‘You’ll Never Pickle Again’. Occasionally you’re left in doubt as to whether the language is wrong or not. A notice in one Shanghai hotel reads: ‘It is forbidden to play the recorder in guest rooms.’ Do they really mean ‘recorder’? If so, why? Has there been an epidemic of people playing that instrument? Do the Chinese take particular offence at it, even more than we do? Is that possible?

  The beauty of getting lost in translation is that you never know where you’ll end up. Some examples mess with your head: ‘If you wish, you may open the window. Do not open the Window.’ Some are inadvertently beautiful: ‘Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on the pavement.’ Some verge on philosophy: ‘Danger comes soonest when it’s despised.’ But whatever the effect, a chuckle is never far away.

  A final word of caution. Amused as we are by other nations’ fumblings with our language, we should never forget that their English is infinitely better than our Thai/Polish/Vietnamese. Indeed, sometimes it’s better than our English – you’ll find several examples in these pages from English-speaking nations, whether from the land of Shakespeare or the Land of the Free.

  So enjoy. Go forth, take the plunge . . . and get thoroughly Lost in Translation.

  Have you spotted something you’d like to see included in the next volume of Lost in Translation? An item on a menu, an instruction leaflet, a hotel notice? If so, we’d love to hear from you: [email protected]

  Plane Speaking

  You’re heading for a world where the English language has been tweaked a little. The first signs come before you’ve even landed . . .

  Air China brochure:

  Dear Passenger, Wish you have a joyful journey! When you are in public talking and laughing and drinking and singing living a happy life, suddenly you feel some part of your body is too itchy to endure. How embarrassed! Please dial fax 01-491-02538, you will gain an unexpected result.

  Chinese in-flight magazine:

  We’d like to offer our affection as a gift by the white bird on sky to every genuinely go the same may together with you. This is our only requite to you.

  And another:

  Besides, try to prepare all you need before pack, and then, you can arrange everything’s position entirely, or you will make yourself confusion.

  Instructions on a Korean flight:

  Upon arrival at Kimpo and Kimahie Airport, please wear your clothes.

  Aeroflot advert:

  Introducing wide boiled aircraft for your comfort.

  Caption in a Chinese in-flight magazine, underneath a picture of a kilt-wearing bagpipe player:

  A man dressed in a Scottish woolen skirt blowing air whistle.

  Job recruitment advert for Nok Air airline, Thailand:

  If you are energetic, living, friendly . . .

  Danish airline:

  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

  Chapter title from a book about the history of the Garuda ai
rline, Indonesia:

  Total Quality Qontrol.

  On an airsickness bag on a Spanish aeroplane:

  Bags to be use in case of sickness or to gather remains.

  Things don’t look that much better on the ground . . .

  Notice on a broken turnstile at Salzburg, Austria, passport control:

  Out of work.

  Sign at a Beijing airport café:

  Welcome greet Presence.

  Restaurant in Ben Gurion Airport, Israel:

  Payment Before Ordering.

  On a luggage trolley at Singapore airport:

  Not to be removed from Crewe Station.

  Sign on a metal-detector scanner in France:

  People with peace-maker do not pass.

  But let’s not forget – you don’t have to travel abroad to get lost in translation . . .

  At Heathrow Airport, London, UK:

  No electric people carrying vehicles past this point.

  Room for Improvement

  You’ve negotiated the flight, you’ve battled your way through the airport – now you head for the single most prolific source of dodgy English known to mankind: the hotel. The fun starts before you even get to your room . . .

  Qatar:

  Please do not use the lift when it is not working.

  In a hotel lobby, Beijing, China:

  Good apperance please no watermelon please.

  Paris, France:

  Please leave your values at the front desk.

  Pingyao, China:

  Gussethouse.

  Bishek, Kyrgyzstan:

  No entries in upper clothes.

  Seoul, South Korea:

  Third floor: Turkey Bath.

  Zurich, Switzerland:

  We have nice bath and are very good in bed.

  Name of a hotel in Lectoure, France:

  Hotel de Bastard.

  Czechoslovakia:

  Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

  Thailand (offering donkey rides):

  Would you like to ride on your own ass?

  Baghdad, Iraq:

  No consummation whatever may take place in this foyer.

  Africa:

  You may choose between a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country.

  Amalfi, Italy:

  Suggestive views from every window.

  Bucharest, Romania:

  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

  Leh, India:

  The Old Ladakh Guest House (hospitalizing since 1974).

  Seoul:

  Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.

  Japan:

  City Hotel & Nut Club.

  India:

  Welcome to Hotel Cosy: where no one’s stranger.

  In a hotel cloakroom, Berlin, Germany:

  Please hang yourself here.

  Cambodian hotel chain:

  Aggressive Hotels.

  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

  In a Tokyo hotel laundry room:

  To everyone of the use, Laundromat –

  Many people use a Laundromat. Let’s comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.

  1. Let’s read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.

  2. Let’s wash a hand well before and after a wash.

  3. Don’t wash the person who get’s an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.

  4. Don’t wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal’s rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.

  5. Let’s bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.

  6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.

  Sign in the courtyard of a Barcelona hotel, Spain:

  No automobiles, Pederosts only.

  Istanbul, Turkey:

  Flying water in all rooms. You may bask in sun on patio.

  In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell:

  If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter.

  It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms.

  Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.

  Left your values? And indeed your watermelon? Good. You may now proceed to your room – where yet more delights await . . .

  Ethiopia:

  To call room service, please to open door and call Room Service. Please call quiet, people may sleep.

  On a hotel television set, Belgrade, Serbia:

  If set breaks, inform manager. Do not interfere with yourself.

  Indonesia:

  Someday laundry service.

  Torremolinos, Spain:

  Take Discotheque with or without date, in summer plus open air bonging bar.

  Cairo, Egypt:

  On September 30, winter timing will start. As of 12:00 midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back.

  Tokyo, Japan:

  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

  Shanghai, China:

  It is forbidden to play the recorder in guest rooms.

  Las Palmas, Canary Islands:

  If you telephone for room service you will get the answer you deserve.

  Milan, Italy:

  Our barmen will be pleased to suggest you the menu selection in the intimate atmosphere of the bar Caffe Doria or in the quiteness of your room.

  Notice by a phone, Amsterdam, the Netherlands:

  Telephone instructions can be found on the backside.

  Italy:

  Unfortunately the Hotel is not endowed with restaurant.

  In a Tokyo hotel bathroom:

  Volume on. Squelch. Please dial to shut whenever you want to.

  Rome, Italy:

  Please dial 7 to retrieve your auto from the garbage.

  Budapest, Hungary:

  All rooms not denounced by twelve o’clock will be paid for twicely.

  Hamburg, Germany:

  It is our intention to pleasure you every day.

  Tokyo:

  Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

  T’aipei, Taiwan:

  If there is anything we can do to assist and help you, please do not contact us.

  Vietnam:

  Visitor should be not carried: arm, pets of material should be fired into the hotel. Visitor should be not ironed-cooked-washed. Hotel has got every service for a visitor.

  Guangdong, China:

  We serve you with hostiality.

  Seoul:

  Measles not included in room charge.

  Weifang, China:

  Invisible service is available for your rest being not disturbed.

  Seeduwa, Sri Lanka:

  Harold Tribune is available at lobby paper rack.

  Brunei:

  Please keep shutters close or monkey make you crazy.

  Seoul:

  If you wish, you may open the window. Do not open the Window.

  Sri Racha, Thailand:

  No in the room.

  Dalat, Vietnam:

  LAUNDRY BAG

  19: Skirt

  20: Stocking

  21: Hand Kerchief

  22: Big Towel

  23: Small Towel

  24: Hat

  25: Shoes

  26: Tie

  27: Price of ironing

  28: Car with 12 to 14 seats

  29: Car with 4 seats.

  Thailand:

  At the cashier’s counter ki
ndly note that personal cheese are not accepted.

  Serbia:

  Voltage is 220 V but the use of the electric i rous or telt les is not permitted.

  Also in Serbia:

  For schedube and programmes of theaters as well as the tickets for all the types of performances, please, consult (he hall parter).