Lost in Translation Read online

  Exciting Pleasure World accessories.

  Style up Performa.

  Notice on the windscreen of a van in London’s Chinatown:

  Driver on derivery.

  Norwegian TV host to an American guest who complained about the slippery winter roads:

  But didn’t you have pigs in your decks?

  A Healthy Respect for Language

  If you ain’t got your health, you ain’t got nothin’. But if you get lost in translation, you’ve got even less . . .

  In a maternity ward in Pumwani, Kenya:

  No children allowed.

  In a hospital in Barcelona, Spain:

  Visitors two to a bed and half an hour only.

  On a Japanese medicine bottle:

  Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away.

  Advertisement for a Hong Kong dentist:

  Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

  Turkish bath in Rome:

  Be pleased to come lie down with our masseuse. She will make you forget all your tired.

  From a Japanese medical questionnaire:

  Are you haunted by horribles?

  Do you ever run after your nose?

  Does your nose choke?

  Does your head or face or shoulder ever limp?

  Has any part of your body suddenly grown uncontrollable?

  Advisory booklet for expectant mothers, Public Health Centre, Joetsu City, Japan:

  1. Strain yourself or push at the time of contraction and two hours later a baby will come out.

  2. A swell will be checked if there is, by pushing shin.

  3. If your weight gains rapidly, it is a sign of swell or fatness.

  4. If you pick up around your nipple come out 1 cm high, and it’ll be alright.

  5. You’d better begin your sexual intercourse after the delivery after the one mouth check-up with a doctor.

  6. If you want to do a vowel movement don’t stop.

  7. After you vomit, you rinse your mouse and if you can eat, eat.

  8. You can do ãfoo, fooä naturally when you open your mouth slightly.

  9. Brasure can be for maternity one or nursing bra, so that your breast can’t be oppressed.

  10. There are many differences of ideas in family but she felt family bondage after delivery as a wife.

  On Chinese medicine bottle:

  Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases.

  On another Chinese medicine bottle:

  Expiration date: 2 years.

  Newspaper advertisement, Manila, Philippines:

  It’s Summer Time! Bring your children to the Garma Specialty Clinic for Circumcision. (Children and Adult). Painless. Bloodless. German cut.

  Swedish parents explaining to an American doctor that their daughters’ thighs are bruised from a clapping game:

  The girls have blue pricks.

  In the office of a doctor in Rome, Italy:

  Specialist in women and other diseases.

  Sri Lanka:

  Sanitary Napking Disposal Bag.

  Massage offered at a hotel in Kandy, Sri Lanka:

  Body massage is done synchronously, to prevent parts of the body getting over activated.

  And their nasal massage:

  After the treatment you will feel very clean and more clear nostrils.

  It’s not just a case of feeling good – you’ve got to look your best too . . .

  Barbershop in Tokyo, Japan:

  All customers promptly executed.

  Barbershop in Zanzibar, Tanzania:

  Gentlemen’s throats cut with nice sharp razors.

  On a Taiwanese shampoo:

  Use repeatedly for severe damage.

  German skin cream:

  Cream Shower for pretentious skin.

  Beauty shop in Chuo Rinkan, Japan:

  Beauty Brain’s Fantastic Fannie.

  Herbalist’s catalogue in Venice, Italy:

  Make Thin! Obesity is a well known trouble. Fat people must not take around a majestic fatness, wearing large suits, perspirating too much.

  Diet centre in Poughkeepsie, New York, USA:

  Lose all your weight: $198.

  Japanese public bath:

  Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

  Beijing, China:

  Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer.

  Jeweller’s window, India:

  We shoot earholes.

  Eating Your Words

  Food is a universal language. We all share a need for it, an enjoyment of it, a fascination with it. Pity we ruin everything by making such a pig’s ear of describing it . . .

  Europe:

  Boiled Frogfish.

  On a Polish menu:

  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

  Cambodian menu:

  Fried internal part of chicken with mushrooms and deep fried fist with vegetables.

  China:

  Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce.

  Los Angeles, USA:

  French creeps.

  Vienna, Austria:

  Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep.

  Translation of ‘paté de maison’ on a Calais, France, menu:

  Our pie.

  Yalta, Ukraine:

  Climbing with a hen.

  Europe:

  Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style).

  Akko, Israel:

  Lamp chops.

  Hong Kong:

  Indonesian Nazi Goreng.

  Cairo, Egypt:

  Muscles of marines / Lobster thermos.

  Japan:

  Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.

  China:

  Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream.

  Hong Kong:

  Rainbow trout, fillet streak, popotoes, chocolate mouse.

  Cairo:

  Prawn cock and tail.

  Vietnam:

  Pork with fresh garbage.

  Japan:

  Fried fishermen.

  India:

  Deep fried fingers of my lady.

  Spain:

  Goose barnacles.

  Cairo:

  French fried ships.

  Japan:

  Teppan yaki – before your cooked right eyes.

  Costa Rica:

  Jam and cheese sandwich.

  India:

  Children soup.

  Barcelona, Spain:

  Grilled lamp ribs.

  Bali, Indonesia:

  Toes with butter and jam.

  Cairo:

  Cock in wine / Lioness cutlet.

  Brazil:

  Vegitational beef soap.

  Barcelona:

  ‘Boys style’ little chickens.

  Nepal:

  Fried friendship.

  Laos:

  Friend eggs.

  Chinese buffet in Canada:

  Cram Chowder.

  Poland:

  Chessburger.

  Poland:

  Hod dok.

  Singapore:

  Sir Loin steak with potato cheeps.

  Macao:

  Utmost of chicken fried in bother.

  Menu in France offering egg:

  An extract of fowl, peached or sunside up.

  Venezuela:

  Fried chicken babies, fungus cream and grill cattle bowels.

  Tarragona, Spain:

  Take Hawai salads.

  Mexico:

  Grilled Potties.

  Egypt:

  Hot dog mustache pringle.

  Goat, as presented by a restaurant on the Greek island of Antiparos:

  Kid baked in clay flowerpot.

  Thailand:

  Chicken gordon blue, pork shops, eggs scrambling.

  Indonesia:

  Cajun chicken biceps.

  Algericas, Spa
in:

  Revolting eggs.

  Soups of the day, Chinese restaurant in the USA:

  Ckicken velvet and ckicken noddle.

  Nepal:

  Complimentary glass wine or bear.

  Billboard in Delhi:

  Hamburgers, pizzas, ice cream and snakes.

  France:

  Nut of Holy Jacques jumped, guinea fowl stinks to it and its farce with cheese-topped dish, almost cheese-dish of mould in spice on bed of spinach.

  Slovakia:

  Hamanegs.

  Thailand:

  Rather burnt land slug.

  Shanghai, China:

  Our Mongolean hot pot buffet guarantees you will be able to eat all you wish until you are fed up.

  French restaurant in Hong Kong, under ‘cheeses’:

  Roguefart.

  Thai restaurant in Toronto, Canada, indicating the spiciest dish available:

  Flames to the whole boyd.

  Chinese restaurant in London, UK:

  Assorted Meat Fried Noodle

  With Meat £2.70

  With Named Meat £3.50

  With Other Meat £4.60

  Canberra, Australia:

  Dumping soup.

  Thailand:

  Curly flower.

  General Chaos Chicken.

  We are also have fun food you are never had before.

  We are always look for new food.

  Thank you for eating our delicious food.

  We will never stop creating your tasted food.

  Steamed fillet of new zeal and orange roughy.

  Quality kept foods warm.

  Fresh thousand year old eggs.

  Riga, Latvia:

  Salad: cucumber, salad sheets, mayonnaise, ovum.

  Spicy dish at a Chinese restaurant in Memphis, USA:

  . . . will make you cry silently.

  Japan:

  Sexy calamari leg.

  Restaurant in San Juan, Puerto Rico, serving crab and conch:

  Grab and crunch.

  China:

  Mr Zheng and his fellow workers like to meet you and entertain you with hostility and unique cooking technique.

  Chinese restaurant in Toronto, describing boneless chicken:

  Bong lens chicken.

  From Japanese menus:

  Savour best match of the mysterious sauces.

  Modernly arranged miscellaneous European Flavors.

  Vietnam bird salad, mixed Chimaki and asian corses.

  Seasonal ingredients specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of origination.

  Kansas City, USA:

  Ho-made Chili.

  Indian restaurant in Grantham, UK:

  Brinjal bhaji (Aborigine).

  Café in Smithfield Market, London:

  Chinese fried noddle.

  Café in the Empire State Building, New York:

  All our eggs made with 3 omeletes.

  Café just off Oxford Street, London:

  Jacket potato with mixed vegetable cause.

  And, as one of its sandwich fillings:

  smocked salmon.

  Athens, Greece:

  Chopped cow with a wire through it and bowels in sauce.

  Greek menu:

  Spleen omelet, fisherman’s crap soup, calf pluck, bowels.

  Café in London:

  Jacked potatoes.

  Restaurant in London (for ‘biryanis’):

  Bryanies.

  And for dessert . . .

  Japan:

  Strawberry crap.

  Europe:

  Sweat from the trolley.

  China, describing a pancake dish:

  Waiter will roll in front of you.

  Costa Rica:

  Pastry Chef.

  Thailand:

  Waffies.

  Would you like anything to drink with that? . . .

  Europe:

  Garlic coffee.

  Ingolstadt, Germany:

  Coffee and snakes.

  India:

  Our establishment serves tea in a bag like mother.

  Indian restaurant in London:

  Wine List

  Larger

  Carlsberg – Pint

  That’s just the food itself – service is not included . . .

  Malaysia:

  Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.

  Tokyo, Japan:

  Please do not bring outside food excluding children under five.

  Paris, France:

  We serve five o’clock tea at all hours.

  India:

  After one visit we guarantee you will be regular.

  Italy:

  Please pay the house waiter the price of your consummation.

  Hong Kong:

  Come broil yourself at your open table.

  Neon sign outside a restaurant in China:

  Smart noshery makes u slobber.

  Swiss mountain inn:

  Special today – no ice cream.

  Restaurant in the Swiss Alps:

  No skies inside.

  Menu in a river-boat restaurant, Thailand, informs diners that if they bring their own drinks . . .

  they will be charged 400 baht cockage.

  Sign outside a restaurant, Chiang Mai, Thailand, announces that it’s now . . .

  contemporary closed.

  Michigan, USA:

  The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers’ luncheon before 11 a.m.

  In the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant, Detroit, USA:

  Employees must wash your hands..

  Chelsea, London:

  Plat du jour, changed each day.

  Mumbai, India:

  Seven days a week and weekends too.

  Japanese restaurant in Oceanside, California, USA:

  Test our pride.

  Tokyo restaurant advertisement:

  Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses.

  Sign in a Chinese restaurant, USA:

  Warning: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and is the law for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!

  Sign in a London pizza restaurant:

  Open 24 hours except 2 a.m.–8 a.m.

  Thailand:

  For our convenience, we do not accept checks.

  On one Chinese menu, various dishes are marked with an asterisk. At the bottom of the page, it states . . .

  the asterisk means handicapped accessible.

  In the bathroom of the same restaurant:

  With deepest respect, we hope to wish our insistence you washes your hands when using our facility.

  Vietnamese restaurant in USA:

  Troublemakers will be Bard!

  Have Nice Day.

  We will be honouring your delivering in the fast time as possible.

  No surrender! Eat as much as your tummy can challenge!