Lost in Translation Read online

  Chinese restaurant in Charlotte, North Carolina, USA:

  No MSG. We care you health.

  Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn, New York:

  Fast free delivery by the cars.

  Sign on the door of an Italian restaurant, Osaka, Japan:

  Hospitality now, or in 10 minutes.

  Korean restaurant in Auckland, New Zealand:

  We do not re-use the food.

  Various Chinese restaurants in the USA:

  We can alter the spicy according to your wishes.

  We delivery ahead.

  Lunch Buffet $4.99

  Chicken 3–8 years old $2.95

  Indian restaurant in London’s Mayfair:

  We are established since 1963. Our first restaurant was arranged to be open on Saturday 23rd November – the same day as the Kennedy assassination happened. [It was actually the 22nd.] It was a loss of a very important person all over the world.

  When it comes to Chinese food, sometimes the name of the restaurant says it all . . .

  Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia:

  Soon Go Fatt.

  Baltimore, USA:

  Eat Must Be First.

  Pittsburgh, USA:

  My Dung.

  Night-Time is the Right Time

  You’re wined and dined – now you want a night on the town. Trouble is, the town isn’t making things all that clear . . .

  Cairo, Egypt:

  Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband or similar.

  Shanghai, China:

  Restaurant and bra.

  Sign outside a Mexican disco:

  Members and non-members only.

  Advertisement for a disco, Luxembourg:

  Let’s fun.

  Sign outside a Mexican bar:

  Sorry, we’re open!

  In a bar in Tokyo, Japan:

  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

  Caption from the Soviet Union, under a picture of a dance evening:

  Young men’s balls in full swing.

  Sign outside a bar in Bangkok, Thailand:

  The shadiest cocktail bar in town.

  Norway:

  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

  From a brochure for a supper club at Ambassador City Jomtien resort, Pattaya, Thailand:

  Relieve yourself in an ideal of karaoke and live music in bewitching time.

  Of course, you could always set your cultural sights a little higher . . .

  Italy: Genoa Opera Company’s description of Carmen, Act IV:

  A place in Seville. Procession of Ball-fighters. The roaring of balls is heard in the arena. Aria and chorus: ‘Toreador, Toreador. All hail the Balls of a toreador.’ Enter Don Jose singing, ‘I besmooch you.’ Carmen repels him. He stabbs her. Aria: ‘Oh, rupture, rupture.’

  Notice at Bolshoi Theatre, Moscow, Russia:

  We ask to excuse for the possible caused inconveniences in connection with work on reconstruction of theatre.

  Tested to Instruction

  The modern world is a stressful place. But don’t worry, there are countless gadgets and devices on hand to make life easier. Just remember the golden rule when operating them: never read the instructions first . . .`

  Hong Kong alarm clock:

  To set alarm set alarm hand to time desired to wake. To change time desired to wake, reset alarm to the time desired to.

  Swedish flat-packed cabinet:

  It is advisory to be 2 people during assembly.

  Japanese haemorrhoid treatment:

  Lie down on bed and insert product slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. while inserting product for approximatly 5 minuites, keep quiet.

  Telus LG1000, a Korean mobile phone aimed at ages eight to twelve:

  Open-minded: Easy-to-use in Structure.

  Getting along with you, I reveal my secret to you, buddy.

  Despite such strengths listed above, I need enough food to get energy.

  For you to see me, get to know me more and hang out with me longer.

  My favorite food is battery!

  When I am tired, please give my words to your parents to energize me. Or I have to go to bed without seeing you.

  Let’s not make a scene when we meet not to disturb others especially in class or library.

  Leaflet found by a householder:

  The washers contained into the kit must be absolutely assembled also when the manifold is without them.

  The householder couldn’t remember – or imagine – which appliance the leaflet came with.

  The Chinese company Xue Sheng Xi Lie Zhi Chi’s safety guide for its 18-cm ruler:

  This product was easy to burning, aloof the high temperature, please. Because maybe beget any danger and the product’s definition distort. The product have some keenness part, so need to prevent bruise. The product only befit measure and study, unable to do other definition’s measure. Needed the pater-familias accompany, if the children haven’t 3 years.

  Chinese headset magnifying glass:

  Maintance: This product is made of acrylic. So don’t rub by chemical medicine to avoid lens spoiled. Just use medium alcohol to rub it lightly. Watch carefully for use.

  MP3 player:

  Pause now you are in shortly, stop.

  Taiwanese spanner:

  Easy to use, it is only a simple Ratchet-Action. The more tension. The more steady, while in operation.

  Chinese red warning light:

  Suitable for bi cycle, jogging, climbing, baby-car, disable-car. Especially for the children, blind men, old men, in the morning or evening, and the cloudy day, when the bright is not enough, to increase more safety.

  Chinese travel clock:

  Attention before you use it. 1. Please pull out the PVC insulation sheet Beside the battery-cover on the bottom, Then the Music will come up. Press any Key to stop it. This is regular situation.

  Chinese candle:

  Keep this candle out of children.

  Chinese scooter:

  Safe drive notice to the motorcycle drivers. There is the condition for you to drive a motorcycle Safely and make it serve to you faithfully The condition is to keep the safety in your mind forever.

  Taiwanese room spray:

  Can be used at any place where needs to eliminate the stinky smell and keep fleshing surroundings at all time.

  Chinese bath sponge:

  Pull with your hands and stick it on your body, you will feel great as bathing.

  Taiwanese puzzle toy:

  Let’s decompose and enjoy assembling!

  Chinese model kit, stating that paint and glue are not included:

  This kit cannot be completed with paint and glue.

  Chinese toy:

  Avoid disturbing the other while enjoying this item.

  During cutting, do not put your head too close.

  There is difference between up and down.

  Beware of being swallowed by child, due to small parts.

  On a Chinese toy boat:

  Please don’t place it in following place: (a) nearby strong vibration. (b) in the dusty play.

  Taiwanese wading boots:

  Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists.

  Pack of toy animals sold in Ranong, Thailand:

  Be careful of being eaten by small children.

  Japanese phone card:

  1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello.

  Japanese radio:

  You will know radio on by enchanting green light.

  Japanese telephone:

  Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying ‘Hello!’ or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone.

  Chinese computer monitor:

  Please be sure to keep the vents on top open
. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust.

  Phone in Japanese hotel:

  For long distance Dial 0 and Aria Cord.

  Cashpoint screen, Taiwan:

  When operating the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM), you should keep attention on the screen. Do not believe any indications that you can operate the ATM with a cell phone, telephone, or leaflets.

  Greek deodorant stick:

  Push up bottom.

  Japanese washing machine:

  Push button. Foam coming plenty. Big noise. Finish.

  Instructions with Chinese exercise balls:

  Three types of ball are offered. They are one. two. three.

  Sometimes, there’s an awful lot to be said for the straightforward approach . . .

  On a fire extinguisher, Calcutta (Kolkata), India:

  Cease Fire.

  Transport Trouble

  It’s often said that travel broadens the mind. It seems to do the opposite for the vocabulary . . .

  On a ferry from Tenerife to La Gomera, Canary Islands:

  Keep this ticket up the end of your trip.

  Sign on underground, in Shanghai, China, informing passengers that the way out is up the stairs:

  Exit – make-up.

  Notice in a sleeping carriage on Indian train:

  Do not invite thieves to sleep in the floor.

  On a Japanese tourist map:

  Shitseeing Bus Stop.

  Sign onboard ship in Mobile, Alabama, USA:

  Warning: despite our best efforts, park exhibits slip, fall, head strike, cut, pinch, ankle twist, spray paint mist, particle breathing, alligator bite, heat lightning, and stress risks – particularly to unsupervised children, rambunctious youths and over exerted adults.

  On a Vietnamese boat:

  Nobody is allowed to sit on the both sides of the boat.

  On a Soviet ship in the Black Sea:

  Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef.

  Ferry in San Juan, Puerto Rico, harbour:

  In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seat in the center of the vessel.

  Beijing, China:

  Danger prohibited aboard this boat.

  Indonesian travel brochure:

  If we are lucky we will see duck boys home, men massaging their cocks on the road, cow boys taking grass. Yes it is a wonderful experience.

  In a travel agency in Barcelona, Spain:

  Go away.

  Caption for a photo, in a Japanese magazine, of a London Routemaster bus:

  Double dicker.

  Sign at the ferry terminal in Davao, Philippines:

  Adults: 1 USD

  Child: 50 cents

  Cadavers: subject to negotiation.

  Venezuelan travel brochure:

  In this Expedition you will know the highets waterfall in the world. From Canaima, through the Sabana, the Jungles and the rivers Carrao and Churun, you’ll enjoy one of the biggets emotions of this life. And the facilities Camp. Guides as natives, all experts, will bring you trough troubles waters, just where a few have made it. Be you one of them. Meals in open fire never taste so goo.

  French tourist brochure:

  In France, you can cruise on many canals and see the peculiarities.

  Let Me Entertain You

  The beauty of getting lost in translation is that entertainment can entertain even when it doesn’t. Never mind that the film’s predictable, the song’s unlistenable, the computer game’s tedious. There’s still hope – they might have got some of the words wrong . . .

  Videos available in Hong Kong:

  Fargo: Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream

  The Full Monty: Six Stripped Warriors

  The English Patient: Don’t Ask Me Who I Am

  Boogie Nights: His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous

  Nixon: The Big Liar

  The Professional: This Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought

  Good Will Hunting: Bright Sun, Just Like Me

  Dead Poets Society: Bright Sun In Heavy Rain

  As Good As It Gets: Mr. Cat Poop

  Pirated videos in Suriname:

  Deep Throat: Deep Trout

  Death On The Nile: Dead On The Nail

  Advertisements for films being shown in Taiwan:

  Six Days, Seven Nights: After Air Force One, Harrison Ford is flying a airplane, again!

  Small Soldiers: The style of characters is phat, special effects are cool, this film is phat and cool.

  The Avengers: The perfect style with a great taste to save the world.

  English subtitles from films available in Hong Kong:

  Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

  I have been scared shitless too much lately.

  This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

  Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

  Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

  The Iceman Cometh: I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!

  I will kill you until you are dead from it!

  Fong Sai-Yuk II: He started it first!

  The Kung Fu Cult Master: Just scold Chang as ‘Shame-less asshole’ for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever.

  You will not happy ending!

  The Kung Fu Cult Master: Master, where are those people of Ming Sect? They seem to be disappeared.

  Once Upon a Time in China and America: I’ve to cut partial of my freedom.

  Dr Wai and the Scripture Without Words: He is jealousing!

  It is destinated to be you!

  Lethal Panther: The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

  As Tears Go By: I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

  Holy Weapon: I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

  Pedicab Driver: Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

  Pom Pom and Hot Hot: I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

  You are too useless. And now I must beat you.

  Rich and Famous: Gun wounds again?

  Brain Theft: A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

  Pedicab Driver: You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

  The Seventh Curse: Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

  Saviour of the Soul: Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

  Police Story 2: Beat him out of recognizable shape!

  Armour of God: Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

  The Beheaded 100: How can you use my intestines as a gift?

  On the Run: Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

  Satyr Monks: You daring lousy guy.

  Pedicab Driver: Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

  Quotes from Western films shown in Japan:

  Forrest Gump, for ‘My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get’: ‘The life where Mama was said always seemed like the box of the chocolate. The profit which does not know those which are gonna under any condition do.’

  Dirty Harry, for ‘You’ve got to ask yourself a question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?’: ‘It asks 1 in you yourself, it becomes: “As for me fortunately is felt?” To be good, as for ya and punk?’

  Casablanca, for ‘Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine’: ‘In all towns of the all worlds of all gin, her it connects to my ones which you walk.’
/>   Tag line on a Chinese DVD copy of The Matrix Revolutions:

  The White Men Wanted A Stud To Breed Slaves.

  It’s not just movies where things go wrong . . .